…and if you know me at all, that means I may be in for a writing marathon. Although this year is different. I have a toddler to deal with and it’s like wrangling Godzilla in miniature form. Not sure where I will find the time to write. As is, I’m sneaking this in during her nap as I sit twisted in an odd angle hoping I don’t disturb her too much. (She sleeps next to me.)
I have a lot of thoughts in my head at the moment, one of which is I may suffer from seasonal manic-depression. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m not too upset. I’m actually kind of okay with the notion. Even in my depressed state, it’s not like I lie in bed, unable to get up and do things. Nor does it mean I think sad thoughts all day long. I’m just not feeling very social. In fact, I just want to recharge.
And then it’s like I snap out of it and look at my life with an “oh my god” sense of awakening where my house needs some serious cleaning. Hence, the manic phase. And then I play catch-up with neglected friends with apologies that I couldn’t focus on any of my reading obligations or even shoot a message. It seems like a Herculean effort to even click on a button and post a sticker in Facebook. There needs to be one that says, “I’m sorry I’m a shit. It’s me, not you. Love me anyway?” Because I really don’t mean to be a shit, I just don’t have any energy for anyone save for Baby Sophia.
I do this every year and it’s just as embarrassing last year as it is this year. What’s worse is, I know I’ll do this again next year. And the year after that. While it doesn’t bother me, it seems to bother the people who care about me and I don’t know what to do and say about that. “I’m okay, I just need time to recharge” just doesn’t seem to make sense to them. I’m one of the weird ones that’s kind of an extrovert in that I can’t seem to shut up from expressing myself yet kind of an introvert in that… I really do like peace and quiet. Going out with people freak me the hell out, I clam up or say the absolute worse thing, my jokes and intentions backfire–it’s just not a pleasant experience for me. So I like being a hermit and the most “out there” I put myself is on the internet via memes or blogs like this one. You know, where I’m shocked when people actually read the shit I write. LOL
I don’t know, you guys. Most of my friends are writers, and if you’re reading my writing blog then chances are, you’re a writer, too. So tell me what you think. What are your thoughts? Do you relate because you also deal with seasonal manic depression (or other emotional or mental issue) in your life? What’s going on with you?
To my friends who hang around year after year suffering through all my flaws, thank you. You don’t know what your tolerance and compassion means to me. To those that couldn’t take my bullshit anymore, I understand and I’m sorry.